


Collapse

by kj_1130



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Court, Gen, Mentions of Rape, Suicide Attempt, Violence, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28989369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kj_1130/pseuds/kj_1130
Summary: She is living a rough life. She tries to find a way out but ends up doing something completely different.
Relationships: Amanda Rollins & Reader, Olivia Benson & Reader, Rafael Barba & Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Broken

The wind made itself noticeable tonight; coats and hair flowing with it. It was chilly, of course, as it was a couple of weeks into the fall season. People were at cafés enjoying pumpkin-flavored treats or warm drinks. Others were at parks, enjoying the so-called perfect weather; playing tag or fetch with dogs.  
Then there was you. At an abandoned construction site at the highest point, you could possibly be with your backpack of possessions. How you got here was a question you couldn’t answer. Everything was on autopilot for you. Legs moving without command and your brain is off.  
It was so easy; so, so easy. One-step and all the pain will go away. One-step and everything will fade. One-step and you’ll be able to see her again.  
A woman was walking down a street with her girlfriend, each no older than 22. Both women had on thick jackets and were wandering around the streets of New York.  
There was a place they would go to relax and forget the stress of the world. As they were walking to the top, they heard noises; something that sounded like crying. The two women shared looks and picked up their pace.  
When the couple arrived, they didn’t expect to see a young girl, no older than 15, preparing to jump off the edge.  
The shorter of the two stayed back and called the police while the other tried to talk her out of it.  
-  
You heard them coming. You heard them laughing. It’s been so long since you last laughed. You haven’t laughed since she died.  
Oh, what you would give to be happy again. What you’d give to see her again.  
Someone was talking to you, but you couldn’t hear. Your ears were ringing and your brain was still off. It’s been off for years. It’d be difficult to turn it back on.  
You shuffled forward and looked down.  
Everyone looked like ants down there.  
Do they have a nice family?  
Are they happy?  
You hoped they were. You wouldn’t wish this on your worst enemy.  
Another movement and the voice got louder.  
Would she be proud?  
Would she save you as she did before if she was still here? Why did she have to leave you? Why?  
-  
When the call went through, the police frantically went to the scene; an ambulance just in case.  
The lady who called the authorities met an officer at the last step. That officer was male. The two walked slowly towards the teenager as the woman described what was going on.  
He tried to talk you out of it.  
It gets better with time.  
You don’t have to do this.  
There’s got to be someone who loves you. This will break their heart.  
Nothing got better and it’s been 5 years already. You were losing patience.  
You had to do it; it was the only way.  
No one loves you. No one ever has and no one ever will.  
One more step is all it takes. Just one more step.  
You move forward, ready to fall but the officer was quicker. Almost as quick as the fall would have been.  
He grabbed you from behind and pulled you down.  
From the moment you felt hands on yours, you knew they belonged to a man. Men don’t treat you right. They scare you. They always hurt you.  
You tried to get away. You tried so hard. But he was too strong. You thought you were with him again. You could feel his breath on your cheek and you could smell it too. You could almost feel his hands going under your clothes; one in your pants and one in your shirt. You could almost hear his words.  
Slut  
This won’t hurt.  
I know you want it.  
C’mon be still  
-  
It was all chaos. EMT’s coming to sedate the young girl as she was thrashing her arms so frantically, someone was bound to get hurt.  
The needle was jabbed into her neck. It was crazy… then calm. The police officer slowly loosened his death-grip on the teen and handed her over to the paramedics.  
She was taken to the ambulance and driven to the hospital.  
There were two paramedics in the back of the vehicle.  
Both noticed how small and tattered the clothes on her body were. Taking a closer look there was blood too and bruising on the neck.  
While one checked over her body, the other checked the bag.  
Inside was a picture of what seemed to be a family—mother, father, and two young children—as well as some cash, and some old clothes.  
As that paramedic searched the bag, the other searched the child. There were obvious signs of an assault or maybe even abuse. Malnutrition; definitely.  
There was no identification for the poor girl; no I.D. No dental records. No recent missing person report. Nothing. Just the picture of the family in her bag. All they could do was wait.  
-  
Olivia and Sonny arrived at the hospital only 30 minutes after the girl did. Wondering why an attempted suicide was given to them, details about the signs of rape and abuse were then told.  
The doctor came up to the pair and began to explain the child’s condition, but couldn’t do a rape kit since no proper consent was given.  
“There was bruising on the thighs and neck, as well as her stomach. Multiple fractures and a couple of breaks that weren’t properly healed; definite signs of abuse or an assault. The sedative they used was pretty strong, so we can’t expect her to wake up today honestly and if she does, it’ll probably be pretty late.”  
So the squad waited. Went over details and soon they found out the girl’s name was (y/n) (l/n); only 14 years old.  
That all hit them a little if we’re being honest. No person should go through this let alone a child going through their first few teenage years.  
The next day, the team was notified that the teenager woke up and that she seemed to have a reaction with men so advised to bring women to question.  
So Amanda and Olivia made their way down to the hospital and started the trek to the room.  
-  
The nurse knocked on the door and let herself in, “(Y/n), sweetie. There are some people here to talk to you.”  
The door opened and revealed you, who was sickly and definitely beaten up. The pictures never did true justice to the actual thing.  
You kept staring down at your frail hands and fidgeted with your nimble fingers. You didn’t want to talk to anyone. You just wanted to die. Why couldn’t they understand that?  
“Hi, there (y/n). I’m Sergeant Olivia Benson and this is Detective Amanda Rollins. We’re here to ask you some questions, is that alright?”  
You mumbled something in response as tears ran down your face.  
This time, the blonde spoke up. “Can you speak up a little, honey?”  
“I said, ‘you should’ve let me jump.’”  
Both women sighed, knowing this teen was going to be hard to get information from as she was in so much pain; mental and physical.  
“We couldn’t let you do that, (y/n). You deserve to live.”  
You didn’t reply. Olivia sighed and continued questioning despite how much her heart was hurting for the girl in the hospital bed.  
“You showed a few signs of sexual assault. Do you think you could take a rape kit? We need your—”  
“Your stupid rape test isn’t going to work on me.”  
“Sweetie, we can at least try—”  
“I said your stupid rape kit isn’t going to work on me, alright? It happened last week and I’ve washed at least thirty times since then. So no, there’s no point in trying.”  
The sergeant sighed and tried to rack her brain of what she could say in order to not trigger you any further.  
“Are you able to remember any of their features? Voice, hair length, race, anything like that?”  
There was no energy left in you. There was no more fight. And the two women could see that. They could see past all the tough acts you were attempting to put on. They could tell you were mad at the world for something. They could see past every facade you tried putting up. All they saw was the anger, sadness, and the most prominent pain they’ve seen in a while.  
This time Amanda spoke up, “Honey, we can see how much pain you’re in. We can see that you’re carrying so much weight on your shoulders. Let us take some of it off. Let us help you. Please, let us help you.”  
You didn’t respond and the two thought you weren’t going to speak up so decided to give you space.  
“My mom died when I was nine.”  
Amanda and Olivia stopped and turned to face you. There was a waterfall of tears falling.  
“It was a drunk driver. We were going to the ice cream parlor after one of my soccer games. My dad blamed me and he started drinking.”  
Olivia noticed you getting choked up, “It’s alright sweetie. Take your time, you’re doing so well.”  
“He started hitting me after I turned ten. Then he started bringing his buddies over and they’d hit me too. He pushed me down the stairs three weeks ago so I ran away. I was walking to the gas station when one of my dad’s friends pulled me into an alley. He had a knife and said if I screamed, he’d slice my neck open. It was him and somebody else I noticed. They raped me and said nobody would listen or care if I told. So I found the construction site and saw a way out so I took it. Or at least tried to.”  
“Okay, okay. Do you know their names? Or where they work or anything like that?”  
You simply shook your head, laid back down on the uncomfortable hospital bed, and pulled the thin, scratchy covers over your head.  
The two walked out together and relayed info back to everyone else. Safe to say, they were all determined to get anybody who hurt this child.  
-  
It had been a few days since the two officers had come to take your statement. You hadn’t moved since and your gaze was still trained on the plain wall.  
The door opened, but you paid no mind; it was probably another nurse trying to coax you to at least sit up and attempt to eat. So when you heard the voice of Olivia Benson, you warily pulled down the covers.  
“Hey, how’ve you been?”  
Shrugging your shoulders you let the blanket rest on them.  
“Well, we need you to give us more descriptions of what these men looked like. If we get a lead on them we can have you identify some people. Is that okay?”  
“They were both white, had brown hair, one with brown eyes the other with hazel I guess. The one that had a knife had a tattoo on his neck that said gangster or something like that and facial hair. The other one looked like he had cuts all up his arm. That’s all I remember.”  
Olivia soaked up all the information and wrote what you said down.  
“And you don’t recall hearing their names at all when they were around your dad or anything like that?”  
You shook your head and slowly sat up. You’d been bored recently and just wanted to get your mind off everything.  
“Can you play a game with me?”  
Olivia looked up from what she was writing and smiled at the young girl.  
“Sure. What do you wanna play?”  
Pointing over to the guess who box, Olivia went over to grab it. The two of you played for an hour and a half before the sergeant had to leave.  
Olivia walked out of the hospital with a smile on her face. She was healing. Slowly but surely.  
-  
The next day, Amanda came to the hospital to take you to the precinct. They were going to see if you could identify any of the men they had. So here you were, standing in a boot on your left foot a cast on your right arm.  
Olivia and Amanda guided you to the area and six men came in. They were all lined up on the wall, holding no expression on their faces whatsoever.  
The blonde leaned into your ear, “If any of these are the two, just point them out, okay?”  
You nodded and looked through the glass. It was like all the breath was stolen from your lungs. They were staring right at you.  
“It’s two and five. I don’t wanna look anymore. G-get them out. Please.”  
You couldn’t breathe. It was like the knife was at your throat all over again. His hands, oh god his hands.  
“I can’t breathe. I-I can’t breathe”  
Rollins moved you to the interview room. “Calm down. They can’t hurt you. I need you to breathe.”  
She continued to calm you down and sat you down in a chair. You played with her hands, trying to distract yourself. You could still see their cold, cold hands.  
There was a knock on the door and Olivia came in. She sat next to you and carefully placed a hand on your shoulder. “You’re going to have to testify. We don’t know when yet, but you need to be prepared. They’re gonna ask all types of questions, try to twist your words...just be prepared.”  
She thought you didn’t hear because you looked so far off in thought. She sighed and went to grab a board game to keep the three of you occupied.  
“So they’re gonna call me liars.”  
The sergeant and detective shared looks.  
“Let’s just play the game, yeah?”  
-  
“You claim Mr. Johns threatened you with a knife, then proceeded to rape you with Mr. Pierce, correct?”  
“Yes.” You were on the stand. Your hands were shaking and this man was already getting on your nerves.  
“And this happened when?”  
“About two and a half months ago.”  
“You didn’t report it when it happened. Why is that?”  
“He said that no one would care if I told.”  
“So, the only reason the police found out about this supposed rape is that you were going to attempt suicide. Are you even mentally stable enough to be testifying?”  
“Objection!” Barba called.  
“Withdrawn.”  
The trial went on like that. He was constantly questioning your mental state saying you weren’t a reliable source. That all you said were lies.  
You were sitting next to Barba with Mr. Johns on the stand. You weren’t paying any attention, but you felt his eyes on you. You made the mistake of looking up. As consequence, you were greeted with his sick grin and-oh god. You physically gagged.  
Tapping Rafael as quickly as possible, you gained his attention. “Get me out of here, please.”  
“I can’t just-”  
“Look at him. I can’t breathe, just please get me out.”  
The ADA was able to call a quick recess and let you calm down. Olivia was quick to come over and get your heart rate to slow.  
“What happened?”  
“He was smiling at me and he was-he was. His-oh my god. I can’t do it. I can’t do it.”  
“Look, he’s trying to get in your head and you’re letting him. If you give up now, you’re giving him the power to go back in those streets and do it again. You need to go back in there and be the strong girl I know you are.”  
-  
“We find the defendants... not guilty.”  
They were looking at you with sinister grins, while you sunk to the floor in Olivia’s arms, sobbing your heart out. There wasn’t enough evidence, they said. They didn’t care about you. No one did. You shouldn’t have said anything. You knew they were going to get that money. And when they got out, they were coming for you first. Probably with your dad, wherever he was.  
“You should’ve let me jump.”  
You kept mumbling into her neck while she rocked you.  
Olivia looked up at Barba and Rollins. This had taken a toll on you. All this trauma was going to make you collapse. They just didn’t know when.


	2. Collapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the trial.

“We wouldn’t have let you jump, (y/n). You don’t deserve that.”  
“You don’t understand. They have connections and as soon as they step out of those cells, I am a dead man walking. I’d rather die at my own hands than theirs, so yes you should’ve let me jump.”   
You pushed out of Olivia’s arms and ran into the bathroom. Walking into a stall, you locked it, slid down the wall, and started scratching your arms like crazy. You wanted to be grounded. You wanted to feel the pain. You wanted to see blood. You just wanted to be in control.   
-  
Amanda, Barba, and Oliva watched as you stormed off. The blonde was quick to follow, knowing how much damage you could do to yourself in just a short amount of time.   
She heard the pants that were coming out and the occasional sniff. Walking towards the only closed door, she realized it was locked.  
“(Y/n)? Sweetheart, I need you to open this door for me.”  
The detective faintly heard her sergeant come in but kept her focus on the distraught girl inside the stall.   
“N-no. I-I need to d-do it. Just le-let me do it.”  
Both women could hear the franticness in your voice.   
“Sweetie please just open the door. Let us help you.”  
There was no answer. Your sobs only grew louder and breaths more distressed. Neither of them wanted to break the door so Rollins decided to slide underneath it and ignore how unsanitary it was.   
She saw that your scratching had already broken skin and there was blood caking up on your arms. The detective quickly unlocked the door before grabbing your wrists and pulling them up, preventing you from hurting yourself any further.   
Liv saw what was happening so she hurriedly went on the search for a first aid kit.   
Rollins sat there, whispering reassurances while you were openly sobbing and whimpering in her chest.   
“Breathe, honey, just breathe.”  
You shook your head and kept hyperventilating as Liv came back with something to clean your wounds.   
“It hurts. It hurts so bad.”  
Amanda took a deep breath and assisted you in standing up. She led you to the sinks and helped you sit on the counter with the sergeant’s help.  
The older woman cleaned your arms while you dropped your head onto the blonde’s shoulder. She rubbed your back and guided you through some breathing exercises.   
“I’m tired.”  
“You can take a nap soon-”  
“No, I’m tired.”  
-  
You sat on the couch in Amanda’s apartment, staring blankly at the tv. She was right next to you but it felt like the distance between the two of you was miles considering you were off in your own world.   
A light rub on your shoulder brings you back to earth and you realize Amanda is crouched in front of you. You didn’t even flinch which the blonde noticed and she gave a small smile.   
“I ordered some Chinese food. You need to eat something.”   
The detective lifted up her hands before bringing them to yours and helping you get up.   
During dinner, Amanda was gently coaxing you to eat at least half of what was on your plate before you could go to bed. You were convinced that the food was somehow poisoned and not safe for you to eat—even though you knew she wouldn’t do that to you—and it had been so long since you last had a meal, that you rarely had an appetite and sometimes just the thought of food disgusted you.   
With much persuasion and hesitance, you started to take a few bites. It was then you realized how hungry you actually were. Throughout the evening, you and Amanda chatted a bit which took your mind off of the case and your mental exhaustion for a while.   
It was about 7 pm when you could barely stand, resulting in the detective changing your bandages, then leading you to the guest bedroom.   
She tucked you in, telling you to come to her if you needed, before turning off the lamp and exiting the room.   
-  
It was 2 am and you were lying wide awake. You thought you’d be out like a light the moment your head hit the pillow considering all that happened today; but nope. All you had done was twist and turn; thinking about those sick smirks that were resting on their faces. Their yellow teeth and alcohol tinted breath. The look in their eyes that said ‘I’m coming for you.’   
Before you could even give it a second thought, you were on your way to Amanda’s room. The door was open, so you went in and started calling her name before poking her in the side.   
She grumbled before rolling over to face you. Immediately, she was alert, thinking something was wrong, but you shook your head.   
“I-I couldn’t sleep. C-can I stay here w-with you?”   
The blonde’s eyebrows raised to her hairline. You took her surprised silence as rejection and started to back out of the room slowly.   
“N-never mind. D-don’t worry about it.”   
This time, the older woman was the one shaking her head. She reached out and grabbed your wrist. She felt you tense for a second before relaxing and walking forward.   
“Hey, no. It’s fine. C’mon.”   
She lifted the covers as an invitation into her bed. You reluctantly crawled in and got settled. She could still see the hesitance in your eyes and slowly wrapped her arms around you. Once again, you tensed before relaxing with a deep breath.   
You felt Amanda give you a light kiss on your hairline as you teetered on the edge of unconsciousness.   
It was the first night in a long time that you dreamt of the roses instead of the thorns.   
\-   
You stayed with Amanda for a week before the state practically forced you to go into foster care. They said ‘you weren’t in any immediate danger,’ anymore. You had been there for only a few days before they sent you to a foster family.   
Something in your gut told you this was going to go bad. But it didn’t matter. Because no one listens to you. And if someone did, it was always too late.   
-  
It was your first day with your new foster family. It was a woman and who she claimed was her fiancé. She seemed kind of familiar to you; it was on the tip of your tongue but you just couldn’t remember where you’ve seen her.   
At first, they appeared to be a normal and loving couple, but they always say looks can be deceiving.  
By the second day, you were locked in your new room, aka a storage closet. It was cold and probably moldy. You were hungry seeing as they hadn’t given you food since lunch yesterday.   
You were huddled up in a corner rocking back and forth when the man busted through the door and started to drag you out by the arm with no explanation whatsoever. He was pulling you so hard, it felt like he dislocated your shoulder.   
The buff man practically pushed you down the stairs and roughly led you to the couch. When you looked up, you felt all the blood drain from your face.   
It was them. They were here for revenge.   
You just wanted Amanda. Was that too much to ask?  
-  
Things continued like this for a week. Adam Johns and Michael Pierce were there every day, waiting for you downstairs.   
They would beat you then proceed to have sex with your limp, unconscious body. You thought it hurt the first time but this...this was unbearable. Sometimes, you’d disconnect mentally and just go into a state of nothingness. You didn’t feel, you couldn’t hear; it was just nothing. You wished that you could feel nothing all the time and leave this life. But you couldn’t. This was reality; your reality. And there was nothing you could do about it.  
Should’ve let me jump  
-  
The blonde detective was walking from the cafe, on her way to work when she heard whimpers nearby.   
She walked towards the sound with her hand hovering above her holster, just in case. She surveyed the area and what she saw broke her heart.   
“Oh, sweetheart.”   
“I told you they were going to come for me.”  
-  
Rollins called Liv and told her the news. She immediately took you to the hospital, hoping that this time you could get a rape kit and put those bastards away for good.   
She went into the room you were resting in and immediately saw your disheveled state. She was quick to run over and pull you in her arms.   
That was all it took for you to completely break down. All you wanted these past few weeks was a loving touch; someone who would vow to take care of you no matter how broken or disconnected you seemed to be. All you wanted was Amanda. She was there when no one else was. She showed you the most affection since your mother died.   
“We’re gonna put those bastards away for good. They’ll never be able to hurt you again. I promise you.”   
For some reason, you believed her.   
-  
“Manda c’mon! We’re gonna be late!”   
“Okay, okay! I’m coming.”   
It had been almost a whole year since you were last assaulted and you’ve been living with Amanda since. She was an excellent mother to you and you couldn’t have asked for a better life.   
Admittedly, it was tough on both of you at first; you had to get used to someone helping and taking care of you as well and Amanda had to care for a child which is already a tough job let alone a child with major trauma. But the two of you made it work.   
In weird ways, you bettered each other.   
The detective came down the hall and grabbed her purse before walking towards you and swinging her arm across your shoulders.   
“Finally. You know those hooligans can gobble up a whole 3-course meal in a span of 10 minutes. We’ll be lucky if an appetizer is left.”   
The woman chuckled at your dramatics before heading towards the door with you in tow.   
Living with your newfound parent made you happy; an emotion you had forgotten how to feel. The squad made you happy.   
‘I’m glad I didn’t jump.’


End file.
